WASHINGTON, DC, Jan 11 (news services). Marking the end of Zionism's "territorial phase," the Barak government today announced the launching of a new virtual Israel to replace the physical Israel. In a gala ceremony at the White House to celebrate the launching of a new bid for Israeli-Palestinian peace, Prime Minister Barak explained that all Jews living in Israel would be expelled to make way for a new Arab state of Palestine, but expelled Jews would be compensated with web sites in Israeli cyberspace.
The new state of Israel can be found at www.postzionism.com.
Palestinian Chairman Yassir Arafat welcomed the belated recognition of Palestinians' legitimate national rights, but
asserted that he could not accept the proposal, as a true peace could be realized only after the end of the
Zionist occupation of other areas of the world such as the United States. Outgoing President Bill Clinton
expressed his regret at the Palestinian decision, but asserted that the new proposal could provide the basis for
continued negotiations.
"This will involve some sacrifice by Israelis," acknowledged Barak, "but it's worth it for peace." As a good faith measure, Barak
handed the Knesset building over to the Palestinians, who celebrated by torching
the building and then turning it into a mosque. Barak also announced that if the
Palestinians do not accept the deal, Israel will begin unilateral implementation.
President Clinton, hosting the ceremony on his final day in office, beamed as he explained how he launched the peace bid. "At first,
we proposed that Israel and the Palestinians split sovereignty in the Holy Land, with Israel getting sovereignty underground and
the Palestinians receiving sovereignty from the ground up," he said.
"But the Palestinians objected on the grounds that such a compromise would imply a Jewish connection to
the land. I suggested that Israeli sovereignty be restricted to six feet below surface level and
under, but the Palestinians wouldn't budge; they said that Zionist-occupied graves would poison Palestinian
water. Finally, [Israeli Foreign Minister] Shlomo Ben Ami came up with the cyberspace idea, which I consider
a tremendous breakthrough."
The head of Israeli military intelligence, Amos Malka, heartily endorsed the deal. "As a non-political body, we've always told
the government that there is no military solution, and the only way to ensure that Palestinians stop attacking us is not to be
physically present in the region." He added a caution that extremist Israeli terrorists could seek to derail the peace deal by engaging in
violent name-calling against Barak. Israeli Justice Minister Yossi Beilin sharply rebuked Israeli opposition leader
Ariel Sharon for his war-mongering comments that the deal involved the destruction of the state of Israel.
"Sharon is an ugly hook-nosed money-grubbing Jew who prevents peace by supporting the racist belief that Jews should continue to exist," Beilin said. "If we don't want to fight forever, we have to face the fact that our continued existence, especially in the Middle East, is an unbearable provocation." Despite the peace talks, tensions continued elsewhere in the world. French police arrested several Jewish residents of Paris who verbally attacked Palestinian demonstrators. A French police spokesman explained that the Jews aggressively shouted "Stop!" at Palestinians who had peacefully demonstrated by firebombing a synagogue and stoning its worshippers.
Barak expressed hope that peaceful relations could be restored after French Jews were transferred to
cyberspace. Activists of Peace Now announced that they would soon begin daily protests against Parisian Jews
for continuing to block peace by occupying synagogues. Meeting in an emergency session following the attack,
the United Nations Security Council voted to condemn Israel and to dispatch observers to determine why
Israel was responsible.
Shortly before the White House ceremony, a Palestinian hacker broke into www.postzionism.com and tried to
crash the site. In response, Yassir Arafat proclaimed that "we condemn all kinds of violence," and he
expressed his hope that Israel would soon end its oppressive occupation of cyberspace. Arafat denied any
connection to the hacker, who had mysteriously logged in on Arafat's personal account from a terminal in
Arafat's private office in Gaza.
Abrahamic Faith